Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
