If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
