I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
