If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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