Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You took a bar mat shot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
