Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
