If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
