dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
