I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Randomize
