Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
