What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
why do cheetos always look like penises
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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