I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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