I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
