Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
