I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
