My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
