I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
