Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
