In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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