I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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