I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
