Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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