My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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