Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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