I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Randomize
