I'm going to jail i love you
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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