Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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