I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
