why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
