what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
