So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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