I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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