the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
