I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
