At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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