so that wasnt chicken after all
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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