my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
