Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
