The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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