Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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