Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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