Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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