there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
