As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
