Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
