You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
