My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
