OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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