"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
