i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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