I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think your dad took our porno
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
