If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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