She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
