the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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